Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Rome]

CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho

Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

We just upgraded our iPhones so now I’ll be able to do the exact same things I did with my old phone but for an extra $23 a month.

therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?

me: add to cart

therapist: no

I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle

adam: wow

eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you

adam: WOW

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!

EVERYONE: *gasps*

ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”