Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.

16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.

A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

These aliens are taking forever.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.