Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
i wish i could throw tomatoes at tweets
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
Grandmother clock.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.