When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
respect
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
I’m about to risk it all
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
