I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.