*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Watching the news and they keep referring to the “late president Carter.” Let’s cut the guy some slack, how do you expect him to get anywhere on time? He’s dead!!
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me