Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
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If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed