Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
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Me recordaron éste meme
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”