I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
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The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.