Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing

Your secret is safeish with me

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder

her: lol like what

me: well, most of its grandmas

her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see

Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”

I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.

Me in the summer: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s sunny and beautiful outside

Me in the winter: wow I can’t believe I have to actually do things when it’s snowy and cold outside

look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

[1st date]

Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.

Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead

still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart