Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*

Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats

[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

Husband: where you off to?

Me: bathroom

Husband: you have to pee again?

Me: no, I gotta cough

“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media

The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”

My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.

pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor

tv execs: go on

pitch: but he is better than other doctors

tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*

pitch: because of his Condition

tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on

my dad when a sex scene comes on

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.

Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.

They’re stuck in your pants?

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate