I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
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My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My rap name is When i$ Lunch