Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me

Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER

Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?

Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

[In a meeting]

Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.

Liz: *glares*

Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead

[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

Me: My body is a temple

Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?

Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.

I can’t imagine having Justin Timberlake money and driving drunk I wouldn’t even drive sober lmao

Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.

Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.

[shark tank]

“Hi, what’s your product idea?”

Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake

I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

[father and son riding bikes together]

dad, how’d you get so good?

[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs

Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day

On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓

I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.

I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”

My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.