Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out

Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.

Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Going to a wedding today:

Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.

Clearly I have work to do with the little one.

I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine

🧠

I know

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

How to make emails sound livid:

“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”

I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)

Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.

Sam: No one else is here.

Sam: You’re here.

Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!

Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]

me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”

~police asking for help in my disappearance

dad: what should we name him

mom: something beautiful

dad: something unique

mom: any ideas

dad: matt

mom: ok