if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
thoughts?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Great acting.. 😂
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.