Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.