Acronyms got me like WTF?
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree