This is my brand.
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doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
🔥🔥
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight