yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
