I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Worth a try
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
My time has come.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Yes
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit