I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
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5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.