*pronounces UPS like yoops
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
These 3D printers are insane!
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
dude it’s called proctologist
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*