In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
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You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.