Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
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When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING