Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

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FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

Found something new to say when I leave a room.

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’

I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.

Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper

glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack

glass half full: It’s only 6 days old

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.