Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.

Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.

His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble

All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.

Wife: How’d you do?

Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!

Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.

My house: I ALWAYS WIN

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

[1st Date]

him: oh do you have a twitter?

me: oh yeah, here you can look at it

him: *scrolls in silence*

him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out

Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing

*flash forward*

Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

[1st day as judge]

Murderer: [waves at me]

Me [waves back]: He seems nice

Lawyer: He killed six people

Me: He probably didn’t mean it

I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”