the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.