2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
For when Tinder doesn’t work
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
How do I get people to bring me various casseroles without hosting a wake?
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
