My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
You Might Also Like
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Absolutely Stockholm Syndromed into liking Frozen 2. This movie is a MESS but now I’ve seen it roughly 12 times and I love it. Every Disney movie should have 7 plots that have almost nothing to do with each other.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic