Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
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(more comics:
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Family Celebrity
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
me
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.