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I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I have two kinds of followers
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.