Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Wow 🤣

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*

A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.

Earth reviews

⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.