Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.

You: My kid loves piano

My kid: *licking the piano keys*

Me: Same

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.

Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.

oh my gosh!!

When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?