Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?