Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”

—Lies Amazon tells me.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

someone just bragged they had two jobs.

this country is so lost.

My boss looking around carefully before addressing the new student: There is no such thing…
*Looks around again*
As a stupid question

Me from under the desk: DOES A DRUNK CRAB WALK FORWARD?!

Boss: GODDAMIT!

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

🪶

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.

Ape together strong

Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*

i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.