Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when people ask how much i weigh i always say ‘with or without blood?”

Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.

In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.

I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.

My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.

-Kids

the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope

I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?

Dracula: I had to pull some strings

Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset