Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
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[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.