Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

cat people: dogs are fine

dog people: cats are sent from the devil

*Runs a bath

Me: ok, jump in

3: it’s too hot

*Adds cold water

Me: Ok, get in

3: it’s too cold

Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.

[At Wedding]

Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?

Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND

Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.

going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

Me (answers phone): HELL-o

Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83

Me: Please leave a message

When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates

The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.

All thanks to the dad.

Papa Razzi.

Goodnight everyone

“Missed you.”
– a lover

“Missed you.”
– a sniper

Context is important.

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Imagine me riding a bike.

Wrong.

There’s no seat.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

Why do people just go caroling at Christmas time, I’d love someone to knock on my door and sing me a Weezer album from beginning to end and then leave

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie