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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁