Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?

applying for a new job

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!

3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done

Absolutely no one:

3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

🥴😂

Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.

due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

Her: is the game almost over?

Me: this is just the first half

Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?

Me: you’re pretty

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Me: Please stop responding like Siri, it’s starting to creep me out.

Husband: On it!

In Russia, Pokemon find you.

Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.

THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????

North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))

Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?

My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.

My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.

For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.