Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
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Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
[police questioning a friend about my murder]
Police: Did he have any enemies
Friend: Boy did he ever
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
