Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Personal trainer: Your workout isn’t over until you’re totally exhausted
Me: (winded from carrying my duffel bag in from the car) See you tomorrow then
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.