Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”

Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

🏠

My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.

But I eventually calmed down.

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

The Wizard of Oz is basically a
movie about two women willing kill each other over a pair of shoes.

[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.

I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

I’m going to clean *the house

*my glasses

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

This kinda thing happens to me often

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”

Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.