Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Watching “Alien” with my son]

Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared

Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.

*points at houseplant*

no, YOU have a drinking problem!!

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.

The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.

Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken

Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen

Me:what is this CSI?

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Dating tip:

If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?

You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.

10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute

me: *laughs in dial-up*

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*

Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

[The inventor of biscotti]

This coffee would be so much better with a crouton

If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

me: i need directions please

stranger: you need to go north and –

me: left or right

stranger: it’s a little more complex than that

me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT

[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]

when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.

I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”