I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
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The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
can I use a minion as a tampon
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER