I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
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We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.