Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

“Have you seen my thumb ring?”

~ my proctologist

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.

my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35

me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.

*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*

every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.

Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…

I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Jim ate my sandwich.

It was clearly labeled.

Jim’s email is open on his PC.

Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.

The sandwich was LABELED.

must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.