Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but

The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!

I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”

Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

Me: Bitch, try me.

Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!

Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them

He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.

JUMP

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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.

This classic never gets old . . .

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?

DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”

ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”

DOCTOR:……..

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

[Bending down with my hands on my knees]

“Where is your mother?”

~ me to anyone under the age of 30

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

So that’s what we looked like?

The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.