My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
True.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,
I wonder to myself:
Who has the other half of my egg?
Two strangers;
Living their lives;
Sharing an egg.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.