Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went from rags to one rag.

Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

*brings donuts to work*

Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.

Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.

making my dog give me my pills

One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.

*pee

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans

Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?

All these gifts today better get me laid.

Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.

Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.

When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.

I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.

ceimr

thats “crime” but in alphabetical order

organized crime

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.

Hansel and Gretel is my favourite childhood story about cooking an old lady in an oven

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married